CO Predictions Thread

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CO Predictions Thread

Postby Demonic Leftovers » Thu Jul 12, 2012 2:07 am

Consult this for team lineups: https://docs.google.com/a/virginia.edu/ ... FMUE#gid=0

From the bottom

They Like Ice Cream: They finish last, but Jay Bilas thinks they have a lot of upside, mostly because of their albatrossesque wingspans. Also this team is a bunch of albatrosses.

You're Tearing me Apart ELISA: Just in case you didn't realize it this team name is a reference to the film The Room.

Masked Canadian Victory Bandits: This team misses three matches arguing about what member would be what role if their team were a traditional TVTropes Five Man Band. C'Mon guys, you can't all be the Lancer.

The Cattle Raid of Cooley-Tukey: Sure they don't win, but they receive high praise for their manners at the cotillion held after CO finishes, unlike that loutish Mr. Bailey.

FARC The Police: This team would finish much higher if it were a Pretty, Pretty Princess tournament.

We Met on E-Harmony: Unsurprisingly the tournament runs long. What is surprising is that it is because Ryan decided to have an Olympic style opening where every team enters into Harper carrying a banner and playing an anthem that represents their team. This team is the only team not to choose "What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction. Instead they choose "Glad You Came" by the Wanted, making them the bad boys of the tournament.

Patriotic Gorehounds: This team unfortunately loses Amhad to arrest before the tournament when, inspired by Bane's role in the Dark Knight Returns, he breaks Matt Jackson's spine over his knee, screaming, "I HAVE BROKEN THE MATT!"

National Champions of the World: After being rejected by Marnold, Mike Sorice, Max Schindler, Tom Waters, :chip: , that guy who protests circumcision outside the UChicago bookstore, a particularly clever squirrel, that girl I had a crush on in high school, Alan Keyes, and all of the surviving members of the Spin Doctors, we finally give up on finding a fourth player. Instead we construct a fourth player by drawing a face on a paper plate and taping it to a broom. The broom is the second leading scorer on the team. After a whirlwind romance Mike Cheyne and the broom are married at ACF Fall.

Dharma and Greg Bums: Stephen Liu and the rest of the Liu Crew do what lower ranked teams couldn't do when they take it to ReoFortune and the Sorcerers of Dobu, defeating them by 100x2. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH SICK RHYMES BRO!

Frankenstein Wolfed the Meat Man: This team is devastated when Jared Sagoff randomly wanders by and joins it after round 9. The combination of negs and gangliness cause them to literally figuratively implode in an explosion of negs and gangliness.

We Don't Need No Stinking Science Players: OH YES YOU DO.

ReoFortune and the Sorcerers of Dobu: After listening to the "Who Wears Short Shorts" song this team decides to have a shortest shorts competition during the tournament, a decision they come to regret after the war crimes trial.

Human Traffic Cones: This team beats the Human Stains team when Kevin Koai is able to win a buzzer race on the tu asking for the murderer of Sir Maxwell Rookers, the visiting dignitary from Ceylon. Andrew Hart later complains that the fingerprints of the killer found on the murder weapon used in the third line was a stock clue and of course would produce a buzzer race.

Disgusting Human Stains: Dan Passner is bitterly disappointed when he plays this team, as he expected a Philip Roth book club round.

In Soviet Russia Tournament Edits You: This team believes they are going through into the finals after a narrow victory over J-J-J-Jack Knife, but then Necron, the random final boss from Final Fantasy IX, appears. Although they put up a valiant fight, Necron ultimately defeats them when Bruce doesn't have enough MP to cast Holy one last time. They are all killed, showing how meaningless life is. J-J-J-Jack Knife replaces them in the finals.

J-J-J-Jack Knife: After losing the finals on a physical challenge bonus that requires constructing a sand sculpture in the shape of the Yahoo! logo, Evan tries to commit Seppuku with his replica samurai sword. It fails, and instead he leads a neo-Satsuma Rebellion. Accompanying him is his faithful dog Seth Teitler, who was transformed into a Rhodesian Ridgeback in round 3, the magic round. NOTE: Round 3 is not to be confused with round 6, the Magic: The Gathering Round, or Round 11, the Watch Magic Mike round.

The Ignaz von Dollinger Escape Plan: After the tournament CERN decides to honor the champions by letting them the newly discovered God Particle, not that Higgs jerk. But such an honor creates bitter resentment, as the team can't decide whether to name it the Dean from Supernatural particle or the Wolverine Particle or the some composer I've never heard of particle. The members swear never to play again, leaving quizbowl historians to ponder the dynasty that could have been. One such historian declares "They knew some stuff."
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby The King's Flight to the Scots » Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:08 pm

Cultural Infidel wrote:The Dark Knight Returns


Some trash champion YOU are.
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Rothlover » Thu Jul 12, 2012 2:52 pm

Bottom to top

ELISA: I admit that I really don't know anything about who these players are, or what they do or don't know. Their last names though don't appeal to me, though, unless Chip Horton is related to any of the notable Willie Horton's (I hope it's the Tiger great, though I'll settle for the pardoned convict.) They will lose some close matches in the bottom bracket matches that are usually the domain of teams I'm on, and I will talk to them at some point and find them normal.

They Like Ice Cream: I may spend an inordinate period of our match discussing my opinions on ice cream flavors available in supermarkets, enabling me to accidentally power a "Merry Pranksters" tu while talking about Wavy Gravy. They will beat ELISA on a packet heavy with the sorts of random things Joe Hansen knows a lot about, and I wish them godspeed.

Masked Canadian Victory Bandits: I eventually ask who made up this team name, as Canadian and victory are words that should never appear next to each other. I know that a couple of people on this team really know stuff, so I am banking on that translating to wins. I also hope Max Schindler is compiling an enemies list on the down low, because frankly, we need a Schindler's list reboot.

FARC the Police: They decide to embody their team name by coming dressed up as combo revolutionaries/NWA members. The only thing saving them from getting knifed in Hyde Park is looking so ridiculous that potentially offended passersby just laugh, and Ed Cohn randomly appears to take a mugging for them (Dude is a saint). These guys acquit themselves well for their youth and also teach me how to ghost ride the whip, the video of which becomes a minor youtube sensation.

We Met on Eharmony: In the upset of the tournament, they defeat Jacknife when Matt Weiner spends the whole round talking about the crazy/asshole-ness of the eharmony founder. They don't do much else of note, aside from giving elaborate questionaires to everyone at the tournament.

The Cattle Raid of Cooley Tukey: I finally get to ask Spencer Weinreich if he's related to the Yiddishist Weinreich family (Max, Uriel etc.) I forget that I've asked him the question and thus ask it repeatedly, until Spencer snaps, at which point he makes an obscene gesture and tells me to "Ess dis." They will trounce the teams at the very bottom of this, and play some of the teams ahead of them really close. Afterwards, I'll ask Greg Peterson what Russian writer he's been reading in the original French.

Dharma and Greg Burns - upsets some team on a round where like 3 tus play to Mik Larsen's particular strengths. Someone finally tells Mik Larsen to cut his hair (the pool on who it ends up being is currently at $450 dollars, so get in on the action if you're a degenerate).

Patriotic Gorehounds: My plan to get Chris Borglum really drunk beforehand succeeds, unfortunately, I imbibe more than him to get him to this point, and find out I am massively hung over. Thankfully, I have time to regenerate in the hot tub at the 2.5 star place his crew is staying at, while telling him about the Israeli hash trade, which he will approve of, since much of the money ultimately goes to Hizbollah. They will be hilariously erratic, a mixture of negs when Borglum buzzes in on things he read but cannot remember the first thing about and powers on things that he has read and can remember something about. I will also swap many unspeakably off-color jokes with Amy Harvey related to her work, so those easily prone to fainting from "the vapors" stay away. This team takes a hit when Billy Beyer is arrested after lunch for no good reason because he didn't shave that mustache...

National Champions of the World - I am going to pretend the rosters haven't been updated and that this team still needs a fourth. Mike Cheyne uses the money from his 2200 side events to hire the Iron Sheik to fill in this role. He ends up scoring a surprsing 8 ppg off his knowledge of the Middle East, cocaine and various other things. In the process, he calls over half of the field "smart Jews" and does a 30 minute shoot about how Seth Teitler refused to split an 8 ball with him. This allows Mike Cheyne to be on "the cool team" as he has long wished for. David Seal exchanges his pachinko marbles for wins, allowing this team to leapfrog over teams it actually lost to (JAPAN!!!)

We Don't Need no stinking science players - Marshall Steinbaum's plan to give better players food poisoning from his barbeque works. Unfortunately, without Marnold to argue about literally everything with, he is a rudderless ship who just keeps walking into one of the doors in Harper. Despite this, Ike and Kurtis carry the team to respectability after Doug Graebner gets ejected for trying to attack me in order to become King Jew.

Frankenstein Wolfed the Meat Man - Thankfully, my Stockdale act, where I spend most matches asking how did I get onto this team doesn't affect any matches because the other people on the team know things. Dallas proves his underratedness by leading the team in scoring. Brendan is a bit rusty, but recovers a bit after the Maharal of Prague stops by for a coaching visit. I thank Tommy Casalaspi for his film manifesto that helps allows me to not be asleep for an average of 2.5/2,5 per packet. We beat at least one team we have no business beating (I'm hoping it's Andrew Hart's team, just so he knows I made him and I can destroy him...) and lose an embarassing match to someone, for which I'll apologize a ton, regardless of whether I'm to blame or not. Someone gets rich on various side pools related to me doing stereotypical things, not of which include usury or blood libel.

Human Traffic Cones - The first team in a tier that really distinguishes itself. Kevin will do his normal thing, which involves making at least two questions per round call him "Daddy," including a tu on the Plath poem. That's just the sort of thing he's been doing since he's been in HS, so I don't see any change. I sadly don't know what Libo knows, but assume he belongs on this team and will play like that. Jason Mueller comes out of fucking nowhere to do a Outkast parody entitled "I'm Sorry Matt Jackson," because even though he can't make this event, he wants people to know he is still a human being that exists. The real Matt Jackson answers a wide range of tus including a substantial amount of Ryan's "how the hell is this an answer line" selections. Auroni's ego reaches critical mass at some point after Jeff Hoppes' years of praise, like Jeff Winger in that episode of Community. His head explodes before a couple of key matches, but his headless body that comunicated over the quizbowl irc channel still manages to put up 20 ppg from that point.

Reo Fortune: This team is really good, but in one of those ways where there is little interesting to say about them. I mean, I guess at some point a swarm of teenage quizbowl girls will attempt to abduct Rob Carson, but it's not like that hasn't happened 20 times before. Matt Lafer's silent internal spite-combustion engine will produce lots of good buzzes, as it has been doing since like 2003.

Disgusting Human Stains- Contrary to David Seal's post, the round we play them WILL have at least 6 questions with some vague Roth tie-in that will allow us to eek past them when they answer tu 20 only to get a turn of the century baseball bonus that they 0 because my entreaties to Hart to learn about Pie Traynor have fallen on deaf ears. Mike Sorice comes with an assortment of wigs so people can see him as he looked at various points in his quizbowl career. This is a particular treat to those who have only heard about "Hairboy." The avatars of Sorice all say "dude" a lot, and only one produces a negstorm. Jeff Hoppes is silently icily efficient, thus being the unheralded history analogue toAndrew Ullsperger.

Soviet Russia - Even though Jonathan Magin ushered in the era of quizbowl civility, which overlaps largely with the era of quizbowlers being less interesting, he is one hell of a quizbowler who will play the hell out of this set. Jerry will bring much needed color to this team. Happily for his opponents, he will also bring some much needed neg variance that causes them to drop a game or two that they would've won on paper. Will Butler will back up his assertion that he is awesome at trash at academic events, and this team is just going to be one of those fantastic assemblages of talent that sadly comes up a bit short. Bruce Arthur, please do something hilarious related to Eastern European history, I beg of you.

Ignaz - "Even" Matt Bollinger will lead this team in points and powers, just past Eric Mukherjee who continues making various science questions squeal like a pig. Bollinger wins the ersatz side event of "who was a cuter baby" which is just a bunch of quizbowlers who bizarrely have access to baby pictures of themselves, judged by Ryan Westbrook. Charles Hang digs through Ray Harryhausen's estate to come up with a costume in an attempt to convince people that he is Chris Ray, so that he can actually play this CO. It implausibly works until he accidentally powers a Chinese history tu, at which point Chris Ray is found gagged in a locker. Given one of those 6lb novelty gummi bears, it provides the boost needed to get this team into second place, eeking past Soviet Russia by 20 points and forcing a final where they are a game down to...


Jack Knife - To paraphrase a great 60s song, "Don't bet against Seth Teitler." I am constantly impressed by the strides made by younger talents, but Seth's absurd tugging, Matt's feel for the game combined with going over like, literally 20,000+ questions a year, Selene's ability to power anything in her particular areas (to say nothing of her general acumen,) and Evan Adams' whole ability to buzz in and say something that results in 15 or 10 points will make this team the odds-on-favorite. Since sports analogies always work perfectly for quizbowl, they are the 1998 Yankees, (bizarrely, Evan fills the Chad Curtis role in this scenario, forming a team prayer group that Matt Weiner ironically joins [I assume he's Mariano Rivera in this scenario, being untouchable in high leverage quizbowl situations]). Armchair quizbowl historians will debate this team's ranking among other quizbowl superteams. Of course, most of those armchair historians don't have actual armchairs. Matt Weiner's associated meme transitions from "he has a huge head" to "count the ringz...", much to the chagrin of the people who wanted the former to be his legacy to quizbowl. Seth Teitler gets gold-played flip flops to commemorate this win.

In a jail cell somewhere, Charles Hang convinces himself that he won Chicago Open 2012, which he assumes makes him some sort of quizbowl demi-god. Sean Phillips concocts a drunken curse-filled slam of him, just because, which of course ends up in the forbidden zone of HSQB, despite being pretty funny. Hang, gets 10-15 on attempted kidnapping, continuously winning NAQT's Community College championship as some sort of prison correspondence school.

Charles Meigs' absence is taken hard by those who want to be entertained. No one chews qat and wields scimitars quite like him, though several youths will try at this tournament (leading to multiple severed limbs and a stint in rehab for, lets say... Cameron Orth...

A good time will be had by all who survive. Ryan Westbrook will edit a great set while disgusting people with his choices in fast food.



Note: This was a joke other than the rankings (and anything positive said about people.)
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Cheynem » Thu Jul 12, 2012 3:33 pm

I used Andrew Hart's player stat from last year to analyze the rosters.

Teams I couldn't rank: Lee/Moyen/Nutter/Srivatsa, Busse/Listerud/Malis/Donohue, McKendy/Misuk/Liao/Schindler, Orth/Jensen/Stimson/Horton

Magin/Arthur/Butler/Vinokurov: 548.21
Weiner/Adams/Teitler/Koo: 533.23+Adams
Hart/Kandlikar/Hoppes/Sorice: 530.65
Bollinger/Ray/Lawrence/Mukherjee: 467.92+Mukherjee
Gupta/Zeng/Jackson/Koai: 420.10
Droge/Steinbaum/Jose/Graebner: 339.30+Graebner
Carson/Davis/Lafer/Nediger: 302.27+Nediger
Simons/Byrne/Passner/Bailey: 286.68+Bailey
Borglum/Harvey/Ragab/Beyer: 198.41+Harvey
Cheyne/Spencer/Seal/Ullsperger: 166.54+Spencer
Larsen/Liu/Patel/Gerten: 101.86+Liu+Patel+Gerten
Peterson/Hayes/Scheeler/Weinreich: 48.92+Hayes+Scheeler+Weinreich
Grames/Keating/Heinonen/Hansen: 15.54+Grames+Keating+Heinonen
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby rylltraka » Fri Jul 13, 2012 3:58 am

According to the spreadsheet, I have successfully infiltrated another team. I am now waiting for the critical moment to reveal my status as a sleeper agent.
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Ukonvasara » Fri Jul 13, 2012 4:45 am

rylltraka wrote:According to the spreadsheet, I have successfully infiltrated another team. I am now waiting for the critical moment to reveal my status as a sleeper agent.

Your dastardly plot has been foiled!
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Matthew Jackson » Fri Jul 13, 2012 12:15 pm

rylltraka wrote:According to the spreadsheet, I have successfully infiltrated another team. I am now waiting for the critical moment to reveal my status as a sleeper agent.


by sleeping through tossups or what
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby rylltraka » Fri Jul 13, 2012 1:34 pm

Ukonvasara wrote:
rylltraka wrote:According to the spreadsheet, I have successfully infiltrated another team. I am now waiting for the critical moment to reveal my status as a sleeper agent.

Your dastardly plot has been foiled!


Apparently my Sam Bailey disguise was not as good as my Andy Watkins.
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Cheynem » Fri Jul 13, 2012 1:40 pm

I guess someone foiled your attempt at...

petty larseny.
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Tees-Exe Line » Mon Jul 23, 2012 2:43 pm

That's actually spelled "petit." And since Ike is too decent a guy to do it, I'm going to publicly laugh at the rest of you people for comically underestimating him for the umpteenth time.
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby cornfused » Mon Jul 23, 2012 3:37 pm

Tees-Exe Line wrote:That's actually spelled "petit."

No, either spelling is valid.
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Cheynem » Mon Jul 23, 2012 5:04 pm

"you people"--David Seal and Dan Passner (the only people to actually make predictions in this thread)?
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Dr. Loki Skylizard, Thoracic Surgeon » Mon Jul 23, 2012 6:24 pm

Image
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Rothlover » Mon Jul 23, 2012 7:33 pm

Tees-Exe Line wrote:That's actually spelled "petit." And since Ike is too decent a guy to do it, I'm going to publicly laugh at the rest of you people for comically underestimating him for the umpteenth time.


The comicality of ranking your team with the 250 ppg caliber teams instead of the 298-311 ppg teams is Holnessian. Caring about predictions is funnier, Louis CK told me so.
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Tees-Exe Line » Mon Jul 23, 2012 7:41 pm

Rothlover wrote:Caring about predictions is funnier.


Said the guy who spent God knows how long writing up his predictions.
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Re: CO Predictions Thread

Postby Cheynem » Mon Jul 23, 2012 7:49 pm

Hey, don't mock Dan's typing skills!
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