From the bottom
They Like Ice Cream: They finish last, but Jay Bilas thinks they have a lot of upside, mostly because of their albatrossesque wingspans. Also this team is a bunch of albatrosses.
You're Tearing me Apart ELISA: Just in case you didn't realize it this team name is a reference to the film The Room.
Masked Canadian Victory Bandits: This team misses three matches arguing about what member would be what role if their team were a traditional TVTropes Five Man Band. C'Mon guys, you can't all be the Lancer.
The Cattle Raid of Cooley-Tukey: Sure they don't win, but they receive high praise for their manners at the cotillion held after CO finishes, unlike that loutish Mr. Bailey.
FARC The Police: This team would finish much higher if it were a Pretty, Pretty Princess tournament.
We Met on E-Harmony: Unsurprisingly the tournament runs long. What is surprising is that it is because Ryan decided to have an Olympic style opening where every team enters into Harper carrying a banner and playing an anthem that represents their team. This team is the only team not to choose "What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction. Instead they choose "Glad You Came" by the Wanted, making them the bad boys of the tournament.
Patriotic Gorehounds: This team unfortunately loses Amhad to arrest before the tournament when, inspired by Bane's role in the Dark Knight Returns, he breaks Matt Jackson's spine over his knee, screaming, "I HAVE BROKEN THE MATT!"
National Champions of the World: After being rejected by Marnold, Mike Sorice, Max Schindler, Tom Waters,
, that guy who protests circumcision outside the UChicago bookstore, a particularly clever squirrel, that girl I had a crush on in high school, Alan Keyes, and all of the surviving members of the Spin Doctors, we finally give up on finding a fourth player. Instead we construct a fourth player by drawing a face on a paper plate and taping it to a broom. The broom is the second leading scorer on the team. After a whirlwind romance Mike Cheyne and the broom are married at ACF Fall. Dharma and Greg Bums: Stephen Liu and the rest of the Liu Crew do what lower ranked teams couldn't do when they take it to ReoFortune and the Sorcerers of Dobu, defeating them by 100x2. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH SICK RHYMES BRO!
Frankenstein Wolfed the Meat Man: This team is devastated when Jared Sagoff randomly wanders by and joins it after round 9. The combination of negs and gangliness cause them to literally figuratively implode in an explosion of negs and gangliness.
We Don't Need No Stinking Science Players: OH YES YOU DO.
ReoFortune and the Sorcerers of Dobu: After listening to the "Who Wears Short Shorts" song this team decides to have a shortest shorts competition during the tournament, a decision they come to regret after the war crimes trial.
Human Traffic Cones: This team beats the Human Stains team when Kevin Koai is able to win a buzzer race on the tu asking for the murderer of Sir Maxwell Rookers, the visiting dignitary from Ceylon. Andrew Hart later complains that the fingerprints of the killer found on the murder weapon used in the third line was a stock clue and of course would produce a buzzer race.
Disgusting Human Stains: Dan Passner is bitterly disappointed when he plays this team, as he expected a Philip Roth book club round.
In Soviet Russia Tournament Edits You: This team believes they are going through into the finals after a narrow victory over J-J-J-Jack Knife, but then Necron, the random final boss from Final Fantasy IX, appears. Although they put up a valiant fight, Necron ultimately defeats them when Bruce doesn't have enough MP to cast Holy one last time. They are all killed, showing how meaningless life is. J-J-J-Jack Knife replaces them in the finals.
J-J-J-Jack Knife: After losing the finals on a physical challenge bonus that requires constructing a sand sculpture in the shape of the Yahoo! logo, Evan tries to commit Seppuku with his replica samurai sword. It fails, and instead he leads a neo-Satsuma Rebellion. Accompanying him is his faithful dog Seth Teitler, who was transformed into a Rhodesian Ridgeback in round 3, the magic round. NOTE: Round 3 is not to be confused with round 6, the Magic: The Gathering Round, or Round 11, the Watch Magic Mike round.
The Ignaz von Dollinger Escape Plan: After the tournament CERN decides to honor the champions by letting them the newly discovered God Particle, not that Higgs jerk. But such an honor creates bitter resentment, as the team can't decide whether to name it the Dean from Supernatural particle or the Wolverine Particle or the some composer I've never heard of particle. The members swear never to play again, leaving quizbowl historians to ponder the dynasty that could have been. One such historian declares "They knew some stuff."
